


Inescapable Current

by MysticallyGallavich



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, EventualSmut, Fallingbackin, Gallavich, Love, Loveisneverending, M/M, Multi - Freeform, Pining, Promptish, Shameless, Songfic, happyending, slowishburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-02-14 06:36:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13001964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticallyGallavich/pseuds/MysticallyGallavich
Summary: Ian and Mickey are a force that can never be kept apart for long. What happens when Ian thinks he sees Mickey somewhere...is he losing his mind? Has Mickey come back to him...and how when they are face to face can they chance the course of their current paths, and the heartbreak they have caused eachother again and again.(Songfic Prompt...Each chapter will focus on a song, but the story will be all about those boys we all love)





	1. If You See Him

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mixedemotions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixedemotions/gifts).



> Alright here we go. This fic, I am excited to explore. This Fic idea came from the very wonderful miss ela, she wanted a slowburn songfic this one is all for her. As a thank you for the tremendous help she is, and the insipiration she provides. :P Each chapter will have a differnt song theme. However if you dont like lyrics, you can always skip over them, the story will still make sense without them, they are just an added bonus. I would reccomend hearing the songs tho. They just add more to the story. I will List them in notes at the begining if you wanna listen as well. Btw it starts out cannon compliant, but for those of you who have ever read anything i write...It will not stay cannon, because fk cannon. 
> 
> For this chapter. 
> 
> -If you see him/If you see her - Brooks and Dunn and Reba (they wont all be country I swear. sometimes the lyrics in some of those tho...magic...as well as all other genres. as always I'm always willing to take suggestions, if you think of a song that would fit, send it to me and ill take a listen. :P )

Chapter One: If you see him 

 

(if you see him/Her - Reba and Brooks and Dunn 

\---

_I still miss him_

_please_ _don't_ _say a word_  

“Have you heard from him?” Ian asks Mandy and she chuckles in disbelief.  

“Ian…You know you left him right? You remember that yeah?” She asks. Even if he cant see her face, he knows the look she is giving him. He knows he shouldn’t ask. But he can't help it.When life goes to shit, he can’t but hope Mickey is doing far better than he is right now.  

“Calm down Mandy, Just want to  know he’s okay is all.” He speaks back.  

 

“Everything Okay Ian?” She asks softly. Even if she has her own ulterior motives for this phone call, she did care about her best friend and the tone of his voice was not good. It just wasn’t.  

 

“M’fine.” He says in a broken barely audible voice. And Mandy sighs.   

“as far as I know he’s still in Mexico. He’s good Ian.” She says softly, hoping the words help but they don’t. “That’s great.” He softly tells her, and rushes to get off the phone. “Love you mands.” He says before he hangs up the phone.  

 For today the thought that Mickey is safe in Mexico is good enough to curb the questions but not to ease his needs. His wants or his whole life. He could put on a smile most days.  He went out into the word and pretended to be the old Ian. He went to work, did his job, stopped by the shelter, made comments about how sorry he was, tried to…be somebody he wasn’t.  It was moments like this when nobody was looking that he let himself break. Let himself miss Mickey where nobody could see him do it.  

So he sat in silence and cried, in the apartment that nobody knew about. Only him. and it wouldn’t be the first time but nobody had to know that but he broke down. He let the memories of what he and Mickey were flooded through him. and he cried, he cried and screamed out for Mickey. He may never have him in his arms again, but this he had. This was what he had left. He grabbed onto a pillow that had once been Mickey’s and a shirt that he slipped over his head that had been his favorite of  Mickey’s. His phone rang and he looked down at Trevor's name come across it and he tossed it across the room.  

 

 

Mickey lounged out in his small apartment. The incessant ringing of his phone was really starting to get on his nerves. He grabbed it roughly looking at his sisters name.   

“Get off me.” He said to the man currently sucking him off and doing a piss poor job of it at that.  

“What?” The guy spoke.  

“I said go away. You’re done here.” He spoke, shooing him away before answering the phone.  

“Yo.” He said.  

“Hey Mick. How is life?” She said softly.  

“How’s life? What is with you?” He said chuckling at his sister who sounded…nervous. Nervous wasn’t usual for his sister.  

“Nothing. Nothing. Sorry..just uh…nothing.” She spoke and he rolled his eyes.  

“Mandy…did you break..?" He asked getting suddenly nervous. Had she talked to Ian about him...he didn't want to talk about Ian but maybe he needed to.  

 

 

 _"_ Mick..No. Nobody knows okay? Nobody. Just checking on my brother is all. I miss you." Mickey could hear it in her voice...What she wasn't saying.  'he misses you', he would never let on that he knew what she had meant when she said it. He just took a deep breath.  

"How is he?" He asked lightly. He didn’t know why he kept torturing himself like this and he hoped his sister wouldn’t make this a thing. He really was hoping. It wasn’t like he planned on showing up on Ian's door, he just wanted to know he was ok. He always wanted to know.  

"You really want to know, or just making conversation?" She asks. Of course, she had to make this a thing. It was Mandy after all.  

"Don't do this Mands. Just a question."  

"Ok...Ok. He's fine. Well, he says he is, he acts like everything is perfect with...everything. Mostly I think he's doing well. Mostly." She says it as if she is avoiding saying something but he doesn’t have to ask. He knows what she means.  She means on the surface, on the surface Ian is fine and happy but she doesn’t believe it. Maybe she's just worried, he and his sister had that in common always looking for the pain under the surface. It came from being two people that did the same thing.  

"Maybe you're over reading. Talked to his family?" He asks and she snorts.  

 

"You mean have I spoken to Lip. No, I haven't." He laughed at her ability to read between the lines, maybe there was something to it. Something to being able to tell what they meant under the surface. Suddenly he wonders if that's what she is doing with Ian...Reading under the surface.  

"I never said this okay?" He makes sure she knows not to repeat any of this to her best friend.  

"You know I won't." She says honestly and yes he knows. He knows.  

"If he's not okay, call me. Like actually. I do still care...even if...Even if I'm not supposed to." He says and he knows that even if she doesn’t speak she is nodding. He knows she would call.  

  

Mickey hung up from his sister shortly after, and walked into his room, ignoring everything else. He just wanted to be alone. Talking to his sister always made him think of his ex. His ex who yes had broken his heart on more than one occasion but who he also hurt more times than he could count. He would not or could not pick up that phone to ask Ian himself how he was. It would be like opening a floodgate for the both of them and what was really the point anyway?  Ian had walked away from him and Mickey had, after all, let him. Even though he knew that if he tried now, if he called Ian, Ian would talk to him. He knew that. They didn’t have to be together for all that. But in all honesty what would the point be. So they could talk about how much it hurt not to be together. If he hadn't gotten in trouble, if he hadn't had to leave, maybe things would have been different. There was so much on his mind. He toyed with his phone for what seemed like forever, wanting to dial the number but he didn’t. He never did.  

It wasn’t this bad every day. On days he didn’t talk to his sister, he was fine. He worked and he came home and he sometimes picked up some random guy to get him off. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. It was part of being alone, being with people who didn’t know him like a certain red-head did. Having sex with Ian had always been better than with anybody else. Not because of the sex or skill really, it hadn't been about that in years, it was the way Ian knew his body like nobody ever could or would again. Nobody knew all of the parts of him that he hid away from the world. It was just the truth. Didn't mean he was going back there and doing it all again. Even if it was so close to touch. He shook his thoughts away. And for a second, and only a second, he let himself feel the loss, and as usual when he let himself. He felt all of it.  

"Damn you, Gallagher." He spoke in his last moment of weakness before he brushed it off and walked out of his room, to get back to work.  

 

 

 

Ian woke up after a night of self wollowing and he made his way out of his apartment and back to the real world.  He showered and changed at work and went about his day. He let himself have what he needed and now he was fine. Back to what he was meant to do.  The day was boring as any other, and he was ready to go home, for what he really wasn't sure. Family bullshit time with people he once was so close to. The people that should know when he wasn't quite himself...but did they? No of course not. He wasn't manic or depressed, and he was taking meds, so who really cared what was going on inside of his head?  It was times like these he missed mandy. He needed a friend to talk to, to hash his own shit out with, like he had once had in Mandy. It was harder now though, harder than it was so many years ago before she knew that the person he was always talking about was her brother.  He laughed to himself as he carried his things back into the locker room, ready to get out of here.  

"Hey." He heard Trevors voice and before he turned around he rolled his eyes slightly.  For a man who proclaimed to not want anything to do with him any longer, he sure was around a lot.  Ian turned to him and raised his eyebrow in question.  

"Hey. Whats up?" He asked lightly. Lately he had been regretting how hard he had worked to bring Trevor back into his life and he couldn’t really explain it. He couldn’t.  He had been so sure when he came back that his run off with Mickey was a fluke...he even told mandy that who had practically choked herself laughing on the phone. Followed by a simple... "It's not a mistake if you'd do it again Ian." She had been right...he knew he would. If Mickey Milkovich showed up today and told him he needed him to come with him again, he would go. He wasn’t sure if he would make it across that border, or if he ever could, but he knew he would go anyway. Making sure Mickey was okay was something he hadn't quite learned how to let go. Trevor had been safe and simple and he had wanted that back, after the intense feelings that he had felt all the way back to Chicago.  

"Haven't seen you lately? Thought it was more than that...Trying to get me, that you really cared about the kids?" Trevor asked looking at him and Ian shook his head.  

"I do...I meant that. I'm still helping the kids. Even if I want to stab my sister in the throat over what she did. All the fighting...it takes a lot out of me. I'm still going around to help." He spoke and it was true. After all the fights with his sister, how angry he had been at her inability to understand where he was coming from with these kids. It drained him, and if he was honest, the quest that had started over some need for Trevor to forgive him, became so much more. When he looked at those kids now, he didn’t see it as a ticket to get back into Trevors graces, in their faces he saw himself and his siblings, and what could have happened if Fiona hadn't stepped up when he was a kid. What Frank and Monica could have gotten them into. And he saw Mandy and Mickey, and maybe even Iggy a little, living in that house with Terry. Sure they all had had homes when they were little but they weren't far from living how these kids did every day and that did something to him.  And at the end thinking about it drove him a little crazy, and if there was one thing Ian Gallagher didn’t do well with these days, was feeling like he was crazy.  

 "Oh?" Ian just looked at Trevor as he spoke that, he wanted to yell that he didn’t understand him, not like other people did but he didn't.  "Want to go to a party with me tonight?" Trevor asked. And Ian, always wanting to prove that everything was fine, just nodded.  Why the hell not?   

"Yeah sure...Text me the address." He says lightly.  

 

 

If Ian drove past Mickey's old house on the way home, he would never tell anybody. If right after he picked up the phone once again to call his old best friend to leave a voice message telling her he missed her, he wouldn't admit that either.  

 

Mickey looked in the mirror, looking at his appearance before he headed out for the night. Some of the things he did daily wore him out and he wanted to relax and get refreshed, if he stared into the mirror a little longer, wondering what Ian would think if he ever saw him again...He didn’t admit it. Not everything he did had something to do with his past. 

 

Ian went home to shower and change, to look his best. He looked deep into his own eyes and he didn't like what he saw. He looked a little broken by his own accord, but he didn't have to let anybody see it. He was glad nobody saw what was inside of him. Sometimes he felt misunderstood, but he realized all at the same time, that it was good that nobody could see it all. See how much he hurt, not only from missing Mickey but from missing a mother that he hated to admit that he missed. Not that she was ever there, but knowing she wasn’t out there in the world somewhere hurt him just a little. He thought back to the tattoo that he had once had on his back and laughed. It was now covered with something much more his style, but it still made him laugh that Ian Gallagher, gay man since before he understood anything in this world had for a short time had a naked woman's chest tattooed on his back. Mickey would have laughed at it for ages had he ever saw it. Maybe that's why he had taken a picture of it before it was covered, maybe if he ever saw his ex again he would show him, and they would laugh at how stupid it all was.  He thought about things like that sometimes. What he would do or say had he been given the chance.  

 

Little did either Ian or Mickey know how much they were in each other's minds that night. A fact that both of them would laugh at if they had known how pathetic each of them felt over that. The inability to let go of the past had always been something they had in common when it came to each other. How even in a world where they were sure they wouldn’t lay eyes on each other for years to come, that in their minds they saw each other almost every day as much as neither would say it out loud.  It was ironic really, that tonight would be the night...that a party would be the start of a changing of currents.  

 


	2. It's all Coming Back to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Mickey have a pull...A pull that cant just disappear. They can say goodbye as many times as they want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this one  
> It's all coming back to me - Celine Dion (Trust me listen to this while you read...I've only listened to it aboout a mmillion times while writing it...Break me) 
> 
> An update for this lovely fic, which i am super excited about right now. 
> 
> Ela- Thank you for this idea, and your song is up next lovely. ;)

Chapter two:    It's All Coming Back

 

(It's all coming back to me now - celine dion) 

 

_whenever you tried to hurt me_   
_I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper_

 

It was like it happened in slow motion, and all at once all at the same time.  Like a fire of emotions and memories flooding the room for only two people.

Ian had been trying to have a good time, he was laughing along with every story that the people around him told. And for some reason he was drawn to backside of a man standing in the corner. The way he stood, the way he was shaped everything inside of him burned. It wasn't him, he knew that much, this man may have been around the same height, same build, but he was blonde, with short hair. He hadn't even seen his face yet, his body was reacting to seeing something so similar yet so distant. He was losing his mind.  
  


Mickey didn't have to turn around, he could feel it. The whole of his body froze without a real reason to. There were eyes on him, and it wasn’t an uncomfortbale stare he was sure of that much, but it was like it was burning into his body. Like his body couldnt help but react. He was afraid to turn around, afraid of the eyes that he could find looking at him. He knew they would be deep green and full of curiosity. He licked his lips remembering where he was. Nobody could know he was here, especially not a certain red-headed whirlwind that was sure to bring him down once again.  
  


Ian watched the man turn around, not looking at him, and that face, everything froze, he was staring into blue eyes, beautiful wonderful blue eyes, that took his world and spun him on his axis. He didn’t hear Trevor calling out to him. He didn't hear anything but the memories in his ears.

**_Give me the Gun Mickey_ **

He couldn't breathe. His head was swarming, he wanted to reach out but afraid the image would disappear if he did.

**_Kiss me and I'll cut your Fuckin' tongue out_ **

  
  


It took all Mickey had not to take Ian in his arms. The look in his eyes, he looked so broken. Maybe mandy had been right. He sure as hell didn't look fine right now. But maybe that was all on him, maybe he had been fine before, maybe just like Ian did to him, he himself and his presence ruined so many things for Ian. He felt the tears coming to his eyes at the thoughts of his poor precious Ian being in so much pain. So much pain.  Suddenly he saw someone touch Ian's shoulder and pull him back from whereever his mind currently was at. Ian just shook his head at the guy but before he didn’t have another chance, Mickey weaved through the croud of people to get away.

  


Ian waved off Trevor to turn back around and the man was gone, whoever he was.  "Damnit!" he screams and Trevor touches his shoulder again.

 _"_ Leave me alone, he was right there...it was no not again...Don't go away again."  
  


Mickey watched from his own safe distance, He could still see Ian. His ‘friend’ was trying to talk him down, but Ian was so upset. It broke Mickey’s heart to know he had done that. He had thought if he saw Ian again, Ian would look happy in his own life, that it would just remind him why he stayed away.  Instead ian’s whole body looked broken, confused, and full of so much pain. He watched a bit longer, at the man talking to Ian, he glared at him, he wasn’t sure if this was the boyfriend Ian had mentioned last time they were together, but if it was, this idiot obviously had no idea what Ian needed. Ian wasn’t calming down at his touches and his voice, in fact he seemed to be getting more irratic as the moments passed.  


Mickey remembered like it was yesterday, as he watched Ian, he remembered the first time he had leaned in quickly and placed a kiss on Ian’s lips and he saw the smile that Ian had adorned on his face because of it. In fact there wasn’t one instance that they had kissed that Ian hadn’t looked so completely and obviously in love with him, even in the bad moments, even when Ian was refusing to love him and be with him, he still had that look, a look that was laying in his mind, over and over and over again.

  


Ian had to get away from this party, he was losing his mind. He had seen him, maybe it wasn’t really him but it had seemed so real, the look in the other mans eyes spoke volumes of his lost love. If it had been real..how? But what seemed more likely more possible, he was losing his mind, he had seen Mickey’s features and face in another person, because he wanted it to be him so damn bad. Crashing into his mind, was all the yelling and the fights, and all the love behind it all. He had never felt so completely all of it. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Leave me alone! I don’t need to be here, I don’t need you!” Ian yelled out pushing Trevor away from him.

“What do you need then?” Trevor asked, and it made Ian angrier. How could he ever have thought…Trevor didn’t now what he needed, but Mickey would have, Mickey always knew what he needed.

“You don’t understand…you can never understand.” He said heading for the door.

 

Mickey waited until Ian was far enough away before he got close to the man who had been talking to his Ian. HIS Ian. He wiped his thumb across his lips.

“Don’t quite have a handle on your man do you?” He spoke before he could really think. The man looked at him curiously.

“Don’t think that’s any of your business.” The words were spoke back to him and Mickey rolled his eyes. He still knew Ian was close, right out of sight. Ian couldn’t see him, but he knew he was still there somewhere. He took comfort in that for the moment.  


“You will never be what he needs. He is not yours and he never will be. I don’t know who you are, but I know that.  Remember that…You aren’t what he needs or wants. You are a placeholder…A placeholder is all you will ever be.” Mickey says, and he doesn’t wait for a response, he walks out the door to do yet again, another thing he shouldn’t do. He went after Ian.  
  


Ian made his way down the hall, he needed to get to his safe place, it wasn’t far, he wanted to make sure nobody followed him, he felt something on his skin, like someone was watching him, but when he turned nothing was there.  He kept moving, walking until he stopped at the familiar building, that held all his secrets inside of it.  He was at his door, with the keys in his hand when he couldn’t breathe anymore. He took a deep and long breath and let a  deep cry out of him.

“Why couldn’t it be real..Get it together Ian.” He spoke as his hand shook to get his keys together.

  


‘Where the fuck were they?’ Mickey wondered, maybe Ian had an apartment with his boyfriend, who obviously didn’t know shit about him. He let it bother him for a minute, considered leaving but when he heard Ian speak, to himself, he couldn’t just leave him like this. He had meant what he had told Mandy, if Ian ever really needed him he would be there, and fuck if he didn’t look like he needed him right now. He didn’t speak, he just stepped up to him and touched his shaking hand.

Ian froze completely and slowly turned around to see his face. He saw him gasp.

“Which key?” Mickey finally spoke and Ian just stared at him in shock and awe.

  


“M..M..No..It can’t be.” Ian whispers, letting the man in front of him taking the keys from his hand. There was only one key on that particular key ring so the man in front of him, opened the door from him. A sense of calm coming over him. Was it really him?

  


“What is this place?” Mickey asked him, it looked so bare, there was a tiny couch in the living area but that was all…he didn’t look in the bedroom but it didn’t look like this was a place that was lived in.

“My quiet place,” Ian spoke quietly sitting on the couch, staring at Mickey. Mickey knew he was taking him in, wondering if he was imagining him.

“It's really me Ian.” He said to assure him.

  


“How?” Ian asked looking at him. How was this possible. “How can you be here, I saw you…I watched you…it’s not safe here.”  Mickey laughed, of course, Ian would be concerned about that right now.

“Doesn’t matter, its safe enough. Had some things to handle…It doesn’t matter right now. What is going on with you?” He asks the question, expecting the freak out at the implication. Ian just studies his face however and reaches out to touch it. He would jump back because it hurts to be so close to him right now, but he knows Ian needs this. He knows Ian needs to know it’s him. So he lets his own pain course through him, to ease Ian’s if only for a moment.  
  


“Ian…It’s me. I’m here. God…it’s ok.” Mickey says and Ian can see the pain in his eyes. He doesn’t want Ian touching him, Ian was sure of that but he lets him anyway, because he knows, he always fucking knows. Ian retracts his hand back.

“I’m sorry…I know you don’t want…sorry.” Ian says quietly.

“Doesn’t matter…I can be mad at you later. Come here.” Mickey says and Ian cant help up oblige, and he lets Mickey soothe him, and he cries. All of it coming to the surface. His mother, Mickey, all of it just hurts too much.  
  


“I needed you so much and I couldn’t. fuck.” Ian speaks and Mickey shushes him as he re-counts his mothers death, and there's a guilt written all over his face before he says it. “and you…I left you…I think I left me there too.” Ian says silently sobbing.  
  


Mickey lets Ian break down…before he has to do what he has to do. He has given Ian as much as he can for tonight.

“Um...Have to ask you something…the guy…” He says because maybe this will get him back on track, back to his anger.

“Trevor?” He asks and he looks at Mickey, realizing that Mickey saw him, and he sighs. “He was the one I was dating before…not anymore.” He says quietly.

“Does he know that?” Mickey asks with a weak laugh. He isn’t amused but he really doesn’t know what else to say.

“Was his choice. Doesn’t trust me. But hey, who does anyway. Doesn’t matter. Not anymore, not for a while.” Ian speaks so unsurely of himself.

“Still mad at you.” Mickey answers and Ian knows.  
  


“Yeah, I’m mad at me too.” Ian says and leans against the couch. “How long are you back?” Ian needs to know if he will disappear from him again.

“Why? Gonna offer to come with me, and then leave me at the border again?” Mickey bites. He can’t help it. He is still mad, it isn’t something he can make go away. He can give Ian his comfort because he needs it but he cant give him his forgiveness right now. It still hurts way too much to do that, and he wont let it consume him right now.

  


Ian sucks in a breath as if Mickey had slapped him, and while not physically, verbally he had. But he knew he deserved it. It was unfair of him to have went with Mickey, just to make it to the border and turn around again. he wondered if Mickey thought that had been the plan all along, he wondered if Mickey even knew how much he wished he had just crossed that damn border.

“I deserve that. I need you to know…to know…I didn’t plan to do that….I thought I had changed…” Ian says because it was true. He thought he had…but his actions as of late had proved that without Mickey, he was even worse than before.

“I remember, it isn’t you anymore…this isn’t you anymore.” Mickeys words cut like a knife, as he motioned between them. That’s what he thought.

“That’s not what I meant. Not that you weren’t me anymore…that wasn’t…Doesn’t matter.” He says looking down and He knows Mickey’s eyes are boring into him.

 

“Everything matters red, This your last chance to tell me what you think. I cant do this with you again. That is something that isn’t me anymore.” He says throwing the words back at Ian.

“I love you…I will never not love you.” Ian speaks getting up from the couch, he needs air. He needs to jump off his balcony too, but that isn’t going to happen, he steps outside and just leans over the balcony, he does that sometimes, wonders what it would feel like to fall off of it.

“Don’t” Mickey speaks from behind him and Ian turns, he sees the tears in Mickey’s eyes and he feels even worse. Mickey isn’t yelling at him or punching him like he probably would have when they were younger, and his emotions were written all over his face in a way that Ian had never seen before.  
  


“I love you too ya know…I didn’t come here to get back to…to chase you around…I came here because you looked like you needed me too.” Mickey speaks and Ian nods. He knows this isn’t Mickey taking him back into his arms like last time.  “Should probably know I had some words with your boyfriend.”

“Not my…What did you say?”  
  


“That he was a placeholder…Didn’t tell him who I was.” Mickey says and Ian laughs.

“Well, when you're right, you're right I guess.” He says turning back to Mickey.

“Will I ever see you again?” Ian asks.

  


“Don’t know.” Mickey says standing against the door, and Ian seems to be contemplating his next move but he nods and then moves swiftly and surely. He encases Mickey against the door frame and Kisses him with a force and determination.  Mickey would push him away and he would argue. He wasn’t doing this again, but the he felt it. Ian wasn’t begging him to stay, he knew he had no right, he was saying goodbye. Again.

  
_\_

“That’s not exactly fair.” Mickey says when they finally part.

“I never was…I just…if you never come back, if I never see you again, I needed to feel your lips one last time.” He says sadly.

“Didn’t we cover that already? Sure you aren’t ust trying to get in my pants?” Mickey asks, with no real question. He doesn’t really care, and that kiss didn’t feel like a heat filled kiss. It was a kiss of a different kind of need.

“No. You know…with you…sex isn’t…sex.” He says and Mickey rolls his eyes and laughs. This idiot and his way with words.

“Then what the fuck is it then? Because I'm pretty sure, you shoving your dick in my ass, and both of us cumming all over each other, classifies as sex Ian. If it didn’t then what the fuck did I ever come out for?” Mickey jokes at the end. It’s a bad joke, he knows it. He knows why he came out.  


“Its more is what it is. Nobody can do what you do…and before you get all fucking cocky mickey, that is not what I mean. And we both know you didn’t come out because I'm a good lay.” Ian says and Mickey nods.

  
  


“And if I said that I’ll never come back.” Mickey asks walking back into the apartment.

“Then I’ll understand,” Ian says sadly.

“and you’ll be just peachy?” Mickey asks.

“No…I thought I was…I’m not. And I can pretend, I can act like everything fine, nobody really ever notices but you.”

Mickey shakes his head and takes a deep breath, and pushes Ian up against the wall. “Ian I cant be your savior anymore. I cant be the reason you stand tall or fall apart.”

“but you are.”

\

It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t good for either one of them, but in seconds they are doing the one thing that ever communicated for them, better than any words ever had. It would wreck them in the end, and this wasn’t a declaration of what would to be. But it just was. Ian was pushing Mickey up aginst a wall, and he was saying goodbye again. Mickey knew, Micckey was saying it too. They couldn’t keep doing this to eachother. They couldn’t keep breaking eachother only to come back together again. This had to be it.  Didn’t  it?

They collapsed together, against the wall, falling down to the floor. Naked, sweaty, and fucking stupid. Mickey sighed.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” Mickey said and Ian nodded.

“Don’t say that it was just…sex. If you have to get up out of here and walk out and never come back fine, but if you say that was nothing more that needing to get off, just please don’t ok.” Ian says, tears filling his eyes again.

“Ian…It was never about sex with you. No matter what I say…don’t ever forget that.” Mickey says getting up and getting dressed. This was a really bad idea. Why did he come back here, he was fine in Mexico, happy even. Fucking Chicago, and fiery red heads, that held his heart.

 

“I forgave you for all of that a long time ago.” Ian says knowing, the look in mickeys eyes, its not just hurt but regret as well.. regret from a time before Ian had ever hurt him, and it was Mickey who had dished out all the pain.

“Why?” Mickey asked. Ian had always been really good at forgiving him or pretending to. But maybe that’s where it all came from, he hurt Mickey again and again because he had never fully forgiven him for the beginning.

“Because I love you. I forgive you for all the pain. And I’m sorry for all the pain I caused that followed it. Not only for what I did when I was sick…but the other stuff too.”

“I forgive you too,” Mickey says weakly. “Doesn’t mean I'm staying. But I forgive you.” Mickey says and Ian nods.

  


“I have to go now.” Mickey says finally and Ian nods again. He doesn’t want to let him go, but he knows he has to right now.

“I will never let you go…I miss you.” Ian says and Mickey leans down to kiss the love of his life one last time before heading for the door.

“Me too ian..Me too.”

 

Ian broke down again when Mickey was gone. It hurt so bad, but he wouldn’t give it up for the world. A new sense of clarity breaking through his brain. There was no need to try to pretend he was moving on anymore, he knew he never would. Even if Mickey left and never came back to him, he would never let him go. He was his heart, and he had just handed it to him once again, and let him take it with him.

Mickey let out a breath as he walked out of that apartment. Ian was his, always his. No matter how heartbreaking the goodbyes were, this one included, he had needed to feel everything he had just felt.  One thing was absolutely clear to him, as he walked back to his own home. He touched his chest, his heart, being left behind him, in a mostly empty apartment, but he knew he held onto Ian’s in return. They were a bad idea…but Mickey had never been smart..tonight just proved what he had already known before he made his way home in the first place.

Ian Gallagher was his everything. His breaking point, and his point of survival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man these song fics break me...I love them more than anything. Just does something to me. Music...am i right? 
> 
> Btw looking for betas, more than one, have way too many fics to re-edit to put it off on one person...so if anybody is interested...get at me... 
> 
> MUAH. 
> 
> and enjoy this beautiful heartbreaking chapter.


	3. Give

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Mickey both separately concede towards their feelings towards each other, after some conversations and admittance on their own parts. 
> 
> Only time will tell what they will do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: 
> 
> Give - You and me at six (LISTEN TO THIS SONG) -- given to me by miss Ela, and the actual basis for this fic. She wanted a fic with this song in it, and we built this universe around it. So Miss Ela, this is for you, I know you've been waiting. Hope you Like it.

Chapter Three: Give 

 

(Give- You and Me at six) 

 

 

 _I've been wasting all this time_  

_Trying to keep you off my mind_

 

 

 

Ian walked through his day rather robotically, He went to work, he went to the shelter to check on the kids, everything was normal, but nothing really was. How could it be? He had seen Mickey, looking a little different, but really all the same. His memories let him go over every inch of the man that was once his once again.  Mickey no longer adorned with his dark hair, it was now dyed blonde. It was an interesting look on the man, but amazing all the same.  He still wore his signature scowl and it was beautiful. He let it take him away, the memories of that night.  

His tattoos on his hands were gone now, he supposed it was a necessity but it saddened him all the same. He couldn’t even count the times he had run his fingers over those letters in his life and he missed those letters. The chest tattoo was no longer etched with his name. He remembered seeing something else there.  There was something about that, that stabbed him in the heart. It was gone, every trace of Ian gone. Ian was sure that was it. He had it removed, then covered over, so he could forget that Ian's name was ever etched on his skin.  

 

 

Mickey sat in his temporary apartment, thinking of what he had done. He had once again given into Ian Gallagher. He could say he had a moment of weakness but the truth was, he had had many moments of weakness concerning the red-head over the years. The flashes never disappeared as much as he could lie and say they had but they were stronger today. Like his whole body and mind had memorized every bit of his last encounter with Ian. The heartbreak, the sex, the affection and love that he had let himself feel in those last moments.  

 

 

\

 

Ian wanted to ignore the pointed stare coming from Trevor but he no longer could. The glare was radiating.   “what?” Ian finally asked.  

“What was that shit last night Ian?” Trever spoke in a biting tone.  

“The fuck are you on about?” Ian asks distracted, he’s done for the day and he’s ready to head back to the station but apparently, he did something to offend Trevor.  

“You run out last night, freak out, then some guy…it’s not important. What happened? I finally start trusting you again and you pull that? What am I supposed to think? Am I a placeholder?” Ian's head snaps to Trevor at the last words. Placeholder.   

“Some guy what?” he says catching that part, did Mickey say something to him. Trevor shook his head like it didn’t matter but it did. It mattered to Ian.  

 

 

 

 

 

“So dearest brother, how is being home?” Mandy asked her brother over the phone.  

“Fuck off, it’s fine.” He snapped at her.  

“So haven’t seen a certain red-head then.” She said assuming that by fine he meant, he was avoiding the one thing that would cause a spiral of emotions but she was wrong. He was already in said spiral. He could lie in this moment. She didn’t know yet. If she didn’t know he had seen him, she couldn’t give him shit about it, because she would. And she would probably either tell him to run back to Mexico or run right into Ian’s arms. One extreme or the other with his sister.  

But he was so tired of pretending.  

 

 

 

Ian sighed no longer having the energy to pretend he was okay with anything anymore. Mickey had broken that wall down and he really didn’t have the energy to build it up.  

“Trevor…” Ian started.  

“You still love him…even if he’s never coming back,” Trevor said knowingly.  

“Yeah,” Ian said, He would admit that Mickey was always in his heart, but he would never admit that Mickey had really been there last night, not to Trevor anyway.  

“Why did you chase me then? You know what…I don’t want to know. Just go.” Trevor spoke and Ian just nodded and hopped in the ambulance.  

“Well, that looked uncomfortable. Back in the doghouse?” Sue asked as she started up the rig. And Ian laughed.  

“In so many ways.” He answers not really referring to Trevor anymore.  

“What’s the plan this time Casanova?”  

“To stop pretending I don’t need him.” He says more to himself than to her. He would explain it to her later, she was always a good sounding board. But for now, he would think to himself about the love and the life he once had.  

 

 

 

“Milkovich.” Mickey hears his name from behind him and his whole body goes into hyperdrive. It wasn’t Ian and who else would know he was here, or who he was, and he turned suddenly, the fear of being locked back up radiating off of him. Regret for ever coming home, raring like a fire alarm until he saw Phillip Gallagher leaned up against the railing.  

“He tell you I was here and you come to warn me off, don’t worry, I ain’t stayin long.” Mickey bit out, not really wanting to hear whatever it was that Ian’s older brother had to say to him about anything.  

“So, he’s seen you then, I'm guessing. Let me guess…you banged and now you are both pretending it didn’t mean what it did? Classic.” Lip snarked at him.  

“Not pretending anything Phillip. I love him.” He says surprising himself and he could tell he surprised the Gallagher brother standing in front of him. He had said it to Ian sure, but he had never said the words to Ian’s family. He knew he had shown it when Ian was sick but he had never voiced it.  

“How long are you here for? Just long enough to make you both break…or?” Lip asks curiously. Mickey thinks there is something different about Lip.   

“Business, then gone. I can’t stay here.”  

“That’s a cop-out, you could find a way. Mickey Milkovich always finds a way.” Lip takes a breath as if he is contemplating something important.  “He needs you, ya know?” he finally says.  

 

 

 

\

 

"Not likely," Mickey says starting to walk away.  

"Mickey...We both know I'm not your biggest fan, but...You should know that...he always needed you." Lip says before finally walking away and Mickey sighed. He couldn’t let those words into his head. Not today.  He needed Ian Gallagher more than he had ever needed anything but he couldn’t go there again, He had already fucked up, he had to get out of here as fast as he possibly could.  

 

 

"So what are you waiting for?" Sue asks Ian as they casually walk around the park after work.  

"I can't. He won't be here long, and what am I supposed to do? Follow him?" He asks throwing his empty cup of iced coffee into the trash bin.   

"and why the fuck not?" She asks. "Do you love him?"  

"Yes." He says, admitting it more and more was kind of freeing after spending years pretending to be over everything Mickey Milkovich.  

"Ever love anybody else?" She asks. 

"No. Never will."  

"and so you came back here, and are so determined not to follow him anywhere...because???" She asks rolling her eyes.  

"Stability? A job?" He says as if it's just that simple. He knows it's not.  

"Last time I checked, transfers exist Gallagher. And you think he wouldn’t make sure you were stable? Look it comes down to this. You can live the rest of your life stable...kind of...come on we both know you haven't been all that stable and secure as of late...and alone...or you can say fuck it...and figure your shit the fuck out and get your man. There really is only one question to ask yourself here." She says smirking as they end their walk and he turns to her.  

"and that is?"  

"Is possible fallout of you and Mickey worth all of the fire and passion that loving him involves?"   

 

"Every fucking time." He answers more sure of that than anything else in his life. Mickey was always worth everything.  

 

 

Mickey sat alone in the darkness thinking over everything in his life. All of the fucking and the fighting and the walking away, and being walked away from.  He lifted his hand to trace the ink on his chest. Ink that covered a scar more deep than anything. It hadn't been a choice really to get rid of the traces of Ian's name.  It was a mess of a thing, not entirely unlike his heart when it concerned a certain red-head.  In its place was something much different but the meaning was altogether the same. The design was something he had come up with one night when he was drunk, on a beach in Mexico, all messed up over his past with Ian. Ian would always be in his heart, there was no escaping him, there never would be, no matter how he tried.  

 

Ian walked down the sidewalk in front of his childhood home. He stared at his porch, the porch where he had done so many things with the man he loved more than anything. The kisses, the arguments, the goodbye. The goodbye that in reality meant nothing compared to anything else. Ian Gallagher had been Mickey's from the very first touch, the first touch that fueled a fired inside of him that he didn’t even know could exist back then, but since then had become so apparent. All the hookups and relationships since that moment had never meant anything. And Since Mickey had been gone for his life, he had been looking for something to replace the emptiness inside of him that Mickey had left there, or really that he had left there by his own accord. With no success, nobody could fuel the fire inside of him like Mickey could.  

 

 

'He needs you' the words played in Mickey's head. They had been said by Lip earlier, but he wondered if Ian would ever know how much he needed him, not the other way around. Ian's touch burned his skin, every moment of every day. Every heartbreak worth it, every tear forgotten every time Ian touched him. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he found himself walking down the old familiar streets of Chicago that held everything for him. He found himself at the docks,  the place where he had shown up that night, praying Ian would show, the lips on his, Ian's eyes that told him he couldn’t help but be pulled to him.   

 

 

Ian kicked dirt against the concrete wall, the docks were mere steps away from him, he wondered if Mickey ever thought back to that night and regretted ever asking Ian to come to him. He wondered if he would ever be able to tell Mickey what it meant to him, every single moment that they had ever stared from the first to the last. He had thrown his heart down on the border shortly after that night. Walking away from the only thing that made him anything.  Was it even fair to tell Mickey? He couldn't deny it anymore, but how much good did that really do him, if he couldn’t tell the one and only person that mattered.  

 

 

That night two men stood very close, one staring out at the water, and one standing against a concrete wall, thinking of all of the moments in their lives that intertwined with each other. Finally accepting that they loved each other more than anything. Two men that had spent too long in their lives shutting it all out.  The tears that fell in those moments hit the ground below them, and maybe if they had turned and looked up in that moment they would have known. They wouldn’t have to say the words, like many times before.  

 

 

 

"Someday I'll tell you," Ian whispered into the darkness before walking back towards his home. Thinking about his conversation with Sue earlier that day.  Someday he would find a way to let Mickey know how much he loved him.  

 

"God I fuckin' loved you...Love you." Mickey whispered before making his way to his current home, to get some sleep and face another day without Ian Gallagher.  

 

 

"Mornin'" Lips says as Ian comes down the stairs the next morning.  

"Yeah."  

"So...Mickey is back huh?" Lip says.  

"Yeah." Ian doesn’t ask how he knows, he doesn’t really care, he knows Lip won't narc him out, so it doesn't really matter.  

"And little brother, just what do you plan on doing about that?" He asks smirking.  

"He's leaving soon."  

"that isn't what I asked Ian. Tell me he isn't what you want and I'll drop it.  but we both know you'd be lying, so how about we cut the shit, and tell me what the plan is?" Ian looks up at his brother and smiles.  

"I need him." He says finally. He doesn’t have a plan yet, but he needs one and fast. And who better to help that his annoyingly smart brother.  

"that's what I need your help with." Lip nods at him.  

 

  
 

"So dear brother, tell me...Where are we at with this Ian situation? Running fast and far...or..?" Mandy asks on the phone.  

"Business will be done today." He says not answering her.  

"so when you heading back across that border?" She asks, pushing a little more.  

"I'm not." He says with finality. He had thought about it all night. Love em and lose em. He could go back, he could, it was the safe choice, the smart choice, but when had Mickey Milkovich ever done the smart or safe thing in his damn life. Never, that’s when. If he was going down...He was going down in flames.  He had two options here, he could walk away from it all for good, or he could have what he wanted. Only time could answer that, but one thing was for sure, this in-between shit was over.  

 

"Good. I'll be there tomorrow." Mandy says laughing.  

"What?" He asks. "You don't have to."  

"Of course I do, who else is gonna make sure you keep your ass outta trouble. I'm already on my way. I knew you'd stay."  

 

"Fuckin Bitch." He says when she hangs up on him but he smiles.  

 

Mickey Milkovich had a plan.  No more hiding from how he felt, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to make it easy either.   

"Game on Gallagher."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Now go review my lovelies. Always taking song Ideas as well.


	4. He's Not Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey is on a mission and he needs to know some things about Ian's particular current interests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, so many things to write, and here I go updating this, twice in the span of 24 hours. I couldn't help myself. and for those of you who haven't heard this song. the link is at the beginning of the chapter, the video is a beautiful Gallavich edit. Because no matter who Ian is with, from now until forever, nobody will ever be Mickey. Let us all remember that, during these times of our boys being separated by bullshit.

Chapter Four: He’s Not Me

 

 

_Would it make any difference_

_If I got you alone?_

 

 

Mickey walked out of his apartment on a mission. He had made a decision in all of his thinking. He had made a decision. A not so safe decision. Any minute someone could recognize him and make a call. Especially the person he was planning on seeing today, but it was something he had to do.

 

Mickey had to know what he was getting himself into here. When he was a teenager, when Ian found himself entangled with another person, Mickey would have beaten them until they knew exactly what it meant to lay their hands on his man. He couldn’t do that anymore, there was too much at stake.

 

Mickey wonders around for a while before making his way. He had asked Mandy to get him the information he needed, and as usual, she came through in spades. Now here he was standing outside of a shelter, for homeless kids. Oh, great fucking hell, this loser was some kind of do-gooder, well fuck. If Ian wanted somebody nothing like himself, he sure found it in this asshole. He sighed before heading in.

 

Trevor looks up from his desk and he sees the man from the party. He quickly grabs his phone and text Ian to get his ass over here right now.

 

“What do you want?” Trevor asks.

“A little chat,” Mickey says simply.

“With fists? Hear that’s your thing.” Trevor bites and Mickey clenches his fists but he straightens out his hands.

 

Ian sees the message and rolls his eyes. He really doesn’t want to deal with Trevor today. Last time he saw him, he told him to get out, which he did gladly. What was it now? Maybe it was about the kids. It was all they really had to say to each other at this point, wasn’t it?

 

“he’s all yours, are we done here?” Trevor says and Mickey decides he really doesn’t like this guy.

“I know. Not even gonna try to keep him? too scared you’ll lose?” Mickey asks.

“If he wants to sign up for a life on the run, with a low life thug, that’s his business.” Trevor says and Mickey glares, oh if he didn’t have people looking for him right now.

“Don’t know what he ever saw in such a pussy.” He says.

 

When Ian walked into the shelter he didn’t expect to see what he saw. Sue by his side, they had been hanging out for lunch before she got back to work. It was his day off. 

“Oh shit,” Ian said and he moved swiftly. Their voices were raised, and Mickey was doing everything he could to hold himself back. Ian could tell, by every movement of Mickey’s body. He had to calm him down now. Which it turn would piss Trevor off and maybe even Mickey, but its what he had to do before Mickey got himself locked up before he could make it back out of town, where he was safe.

 

 

Ian stepped up behind Mickey, hearing Trevor yelling something about Mickey being Transphobic. Oh shit, what had Mickey said.

 

“The fuck are you talking about…The fuck is that?” Mickey screamed, before feeling the touch that he knew all too well. Followed by lips against his ear.

“Take a breath, you can’t get caught,” Ian said his hand touching his back soothingly.

Mickey wasn’t quite ready for touches like that, but he knew what Ian was doing.  Ian then whispered an explanation into his ear about what Trevor was going on about.

 

 

 

“Seriously?” Mickey laughs for a minute but gets elbowed by Ian. “Like I fuckin’ care.  You actually like this idiot red?” Mickey says turning to Ian. It’s what he needs to know. Somehow he thinks Ian knows this because he looks back and forth between Trevor and Mickey, and Mickey knows he cares enough not to want to have this conversation here. Well, fuck that.

 

Ian stares at Trevor, knowing what he's about to say will piss him off but, he can’t  not say it. Mickey would be gone again soon.

“I did. But its different.” Ian says. Trevor rolls his eyes.

 

“Why?” Mickey says.

 

 

“Because he’s not you.” He says.

“Get out, the both of you.” Trevor bites, and Ian does, he doesn’t wait for Mickey because he said what he had to say and he knows Mickey doesn’t want to hear it. And right now, he knows that Mickey heard him, and possibly heard what he needed.

Mickey watches Ian leave down the street and he lets him go. He got what he came for. No matter what Ian and Trevor may or may not have had, Ian had openly admitted in front of both him and Trevor that if there was a choice, he would choose Mickey. That is what he needed to hear, to do what he planned to do from here on out. He wasn’t about to rush into Ian’s arms once again. He wasn’t mad, he really found no reason to be. Ian did what he had to do, and he had always done the same. It was who they were.  But there were things he had to settle.

 

Mickey opened the door to find his sister standing at the door with a smirk on her face.  “Hey, asshole!”  She says and he hugs her until she punches him on the arm.

“Fuckin’ Bitch. What was that for?”

“You escape and you don’t come find me, you go find Ian? Asshole. Coulda took me to Mexico with you.”

“And take you away from your clientele? Fat Chance.” He says inviting her in.

 

“You sure about this?” Mandy asks looking at her brother.

“Am I sure it will work? No.” He says and she shakes her head.

“When has it ever not?” She asks.

“Pretty sure I crossed that border alone.”

“That’s not the same thing. That boy has been in love with you since forever.” She says and he thinks that over. The past had proven that when walking away from each other, he and Ian had done it plenty of times, but they always ended up back in each others arms. He wasn’t exactly sure if that was a good thing or not…but it just was.

 

 

“So what’s the deal?” Lip asks lighting up a joint

“He’s still leaving. I don’t know.” Ian says thinking of all of the things in his life, all of the things that Mickey is no longer a part of.

“You believe that?” Lip asks his brother.

“You don’t?” Ian fires back. He doesn’t really know at this point what he believes.

“Nah. Don’t think he’s going anywhere quite yet.”

 

Ian is standing at the edge of his fence. The darkness has fallen and the stars are there, he can see one or two, but in the city lights its hard to see sometimes. He walks silently down the street until he finds an open place. Which just so happens to be the dugouts, he hadn’t been there in a long time, but he climbs that fence, and pulls out the Blanket from his backpack and lays back to look up at the stars.  “Want to spread out a blanket and look for shooting stars.” He hears the words behind him, in a playful tone.

 

Ian doesn’t say anything as Mickey approaches and lays down on the blanket next to him. Ian hands him a beer.

“Still drinking when you’re not supposed to I see.” Mickey comments.

“Not much,” Ian answers laying back looking at the stars. “How long are you here?” He asks.

 

“Trying to get of me already firecrotch?” Mickey says grinning at the old nickname and Ian smiled. He missed those nicknames.

“Quite the opposite really. Despite all of the bullshit Mick, all the bad I've done, all the shit you’ve done, I still miss you and how we were. You were always my best friend. Even through it all.” He says honestly.

 

“I’ll be around for a while,” Mickey says. There is no reason to say what his plans are for the moment, he knows he can’t stay forever. It isn’t possible, unless he wants to do the unthinkable, and turn himself in. He can’t use this new identity here for long, but for now, he isn’t going anywhere.

 

They sit in a comfortable silence for a while,  before they just start talking. Ian talks about his life, his job, the boyfriends, the things he’s said that he regrets, he even opens up about his medications, and everything else in his life. How is sister thinks he is losing his mind, and maybe he is sometimes.

Mickey talks about Mexico and mentions that he’s not that big into relationships on the run, which implies that he’s into some other things, which Ian doesn’t have to like but he can understand, even if it stabs his heart. He wonders if hearing of Ian’s relationships hurt more or less. Mickey talked about his odd jobs and the things he has done to stay out of trouble.  He doesn’t mention the physical changes, and Ian isn’t ready to ask about one in particular.

 

 

“Ok hold up…I have to ask…you fucked a woman…from a train…why?” Mickey is laughing so hard he can barely breathe. “and you have a tattoo of boobs on your back…Man…The fuck?”

“Fuck off Mick. What about you huh? blonde? Tattoos gone…except…the new one.” He says finally.

Mickey can see it in his eyes, the flash as he mentions that last one. He thinks it’s more than it is, but he’s not ready to explain that yet. “Cant have any distinguishing marks of Mickey Milkovich. Its all gone. but had to have some Ink going on man.” Mickey half explains and Ian nods.

“Yeah, it’s just weird to see. Those parts of you gone.” He says his eyes traveling to Mickey’s chest. “What’s the new one mean?” he asks finally.

“Someday I’ll explain it to you.” He says turning to Ian, thinking about everything. “Can I ask you something?” he says finally and Ian turns to him.

“Of course.”

“Did you love me…Even at my worst?” He asks Ian and Ian leans up on his arms, looking into Mickey’s eyes.

“Every second of it.  I wish I could have stayed me…the way I was before.” He says. And Mickey nods.

“I don’t know. Everything you are is a part of you. And I always loved every part of you. Maybe it just wasn’t mean to be what we wanted it to be. Maybe while I'm here we could try something different.” Mickey says laying the ground of his plan.

“Different how?”

“Friends. Figure we cant tear each other apart if we aren’t trying to be more.” Mickey says. He sees the hurt flash Ian’s eyes but then he lightens and smiles.

“Yeah, maybe you're right,” Ian says even though he doesn't mean it. He wants more with Mickey, but he knows Mickey probably isn’t ready to now or maybe even ever open himself up like he had before. And Ian didn’t know if he was ready to give him everything he deserved or needed. So this is where they stood for now. But Ian would find a way to change that, he had to. Even if it meant kissing everything he knew goodbye and following Mickey anywhere, but those were only words, if he wanted the life he had always dreamed of with the man lying next to him, he had a hell of a lot of work to do. He supposed they both did. So he agreed to the terms that Mickey was giving him, it at least kept Mickey close.


	5. I try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya Lovelies! :P I know I haven't updated this one in a hot minute. Deleting the lyrics, for the most part, made me sad. LOL. but the story is still there, and I have a new method to my madness. So up top are the lyrics that I feel are the most important to the chapter. The song is listed here and at the beginning of the chapter. Listening to it isn't required, but why the heck wouldn't you? Huh Huh??? :PP 
> 
> As always this fic is a gift to miss ela. 
> 
> Song : I TRY - Macy Gray

Chapter Five: I Try 

 

*I TRY - MACY GRAY*

_Though I try to hide it, It's clear._

_My world crumbles when you are not near._

 

Ian can't help but watch. Every move that his once-lover makes. Every time they hang out because they decided that they should just be friends…But how can you be friends with someone who once held your everything, that still does hold all the tattered pieces of your heart?  Plain and simple… You can’t actually. You can pretend, play the game, which is what he was doing. Smiling at all the right moments, while getting lost in the eyes that always held him still in the moment.  

x-x 

Mickey knew he was watching him, he didn’t even have to look up to know. That was the thing about loving someone virtually your entire life. You learn things, you no longer have to guess at so many things. There ware millions of things that he still wondered about Ian, but there were even more that he didn’t even have to. Like how hard Ian was trying with his just friends act. He knew that the suggestion in itself had hurt Ian. He knew that but it was time for him to think of himself. He needed to protect his heart in this. He wanted to rush into Ian’s arms today, right now. He did, he couldn’t deny that, and if Ian had asked him in this moment, he really didn’t think he could or would even try to lie to him about it.  Instead, he knew what he was doing, they were hanging out, in the gym of all places. It was kind of ironic, because Mickey himself had never been much of a work out guy and from what he remembered aside from army training Ian hadn’t been either, and the idea in itself had seemed safe maybe. In a public place, two friends hanging out…but he was playing his own version of this. It afforded him the opportunity to feel Ian’s eyes on him without actually having to see the evidence of it himself.  

As they finished up and walked out, Mickey stripped his outer shirt off and tossed it into his bag. He thought about the tattoo peeking out of his own tank top. The intricate design that was placed on top of that spot that once said Ian’s name.  Now there was a dark design, kind of like he had felt at the time, the small amount of color in the center, shown through only if you looked really hard, it was on purpose. To only see the beauty if you were looking for it, much like his relationship with Ian. You couldn’t really see how amazing it had been unless you had lived in it. And even more so, his tattoo held a secret, that only he knew was there. He wondered if he would show it to Ian, or if he would be able to see it on his own someday. If he would see the message before Mickey had to clue him in on it.  

\-- 

“Pizza tonight, mandy’s payin’,”  Ian says before they go their separate way, trying and failing to not let his eyes travel up and down Mickey’s body as he spoke. He knew Mickey noticed but he didn’t say a word about it. Mickey just nodded and agreed to meet later.  

\-- 

 

Ian sits alone in his apartment, getting it ready for the company. He had spent the last few weeks while hanging out with Mickey as friends, to get his apartment ready to live in. It was time to stop pretending, and living in the past.  In a way anyway. If he was ever going to convince himself that the mistakes that he had made over and over again could ever be rectified, he had to clean up his act, and that means, not paying for an apartment he never actually lived in. He had spent so long pushing down the feelings that He had for Mickey away. Not just since the break-up but long before that.  When he was a teenager he made himself believe that whatever they had was okay. That living in the shadows, and being Mickey's secret had been what he had wanted when he knew it never really was. He had always wanted Mickey to claim him as his own. There was no denying that, and he had worked so hard back then praying for the day when Mickey would see it. That was where most of the pain ate away at him. He had spent years blaming his disorder for ruining all the beautiful things that were he and Mickey.  In the light, he could easily see he and Mickey never had the chance that they could have had. Not because of his disorder...but because of themselves.  Mickey in his hiding, and Ian in his hiding behind his illness. They had spent so long fighting to be together, that he didn’t honestly know what it would ever look like if they didn’t have to fight anymore. If the just could live and be happy.  What would that look like?  

\-- 

 

Mickey thought about his reasons for staying. He had every reason not to. His business was done, He could be locked up if he stayed, or even worse than being locked up, letting himself get his heart broken again. He wasn’t naive enough to think it wasn’t possible. Where he and Ian were concerned, one of them always had the possibility of getting broken and losing it all. In fact, history had shown that it was almost a guarantee. He knew all of these things but he also knew that it wasn’t as simple as that. Since the very first time he had laid eyes on Ian Gallagher...the real first time, the first time he took real notice, he had been a goner. No matter how many times he had denied it to himself and to Ian and everyone around them. He had loved Ian even before he had known what it meant. He would give up anything for that red-head and that was really his problem. Knowing that he was risking everything just by being here.  Just Friends was a joke because as true as it was that Ian Gallagher was his best friend in every aspect of the word, he could never just be a friend. But right now he needed some distance, not much, not enough not to see him, but enough not to touch him, because he had given in once, knowing that he was saying goodbye and if he ever touched Ian like that again, it would be far from a goodbye, it would be everything. It would start it all again, and he wasn’t really sure he was ready to set it all up in flames once again.  Not yet.  

\-- 

"What's the real plan?" Mandy asks when she shows up at the apartment.  

"Plan?" He asks smiling as innocent as he can manage.  

"The plan...Doofus...To win my brother back. I know you have one...and it's probably a shitty one, so tell your bestie what you are up to...so I can help you." She smiles brightly and he can't help but smile at her. She always had his back no matter what, and sometimes he wondered if there was a line he would cross that would make her turn against him. Mickey was her brother, after all, no matter the distance of the siblings, there was still love there, even if neither of them would ever admit that they cared for each other.  

"I'm giving him his space." He said and she snorted. 

"That's your plan?" And when he nods she hits him on the back of the head. "That’s the stupidest fucking plan I've ever heard."  

"Ow! And stay out of it. He wants time, to be my friend, and I owe him whatever he wants. So I'm giving him that." Ian says honestly. That was his plan right now because he didn’t have another plan. He didn’t have some elaborate thing that would make Mickey forgive him, or forget the pain that was caused. What else was he supposed to do? 

 

"So giving him what he wants....that's how you got him the first time is it?" Mandy said, knowing full well it wasn’t.  

"That's different mandy."  

"No, Its fucking not Ian.  If you give Mickey all the power you will both die alone. I swear to god. Have you learned nothing?  All these years, and you don’t realize that the only time you ever get anywhere with him is when you push just a little.  Tell me you hooking up...You wait for him to come to you and offer? Or did you bust in my house with a tire Iron?" She asks and he rolls his eyes at her, refusing to answer.  "What about that first kiss you told me about...or everything else.  For fuck's sake Ian, you even pushed him to come out...everything that he has ever loved about you...is the Ian Gallagher that knows what he wants, and goes for it.  You want him to know that the man he fell in love with is in there, come up with a fucking plan. Because sitting around and letting him come to you is about the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my entire life."  She said shaking her head and getting up to order the Pizza before her brother showed up.  She also decided to do some breaking of her own and texted another Gallagher.   

 

'Come help me, our brothers are hanging out tonight and I need backup.' 

==== 

 

"Why is peppermint patty here?" Mickey asked while they all lounged around Ian's apartment and Debbie Flipped him off from where she sat on the floor next to mandy, who was playing with Franny.  

"She's my backup. You two are annoying. And I bought dinner so fuck off." Mandy says.  

Dinner went along pretty nicely, turns out Mandy knew what she was doing. They all focused on the baby, more than themselves, and it wasn’t until Debbie and mandy had left that Ian and Mickey were left alone.  

They turned on some video games for a while, and it seemed like they were lost back to a time that was much simpler than this. A time where sneaking away to get lost in each other was an everyday occurrence. Times like these made this even harder.  

 

"mick.." Ian finally said and Mickey shook his head.  

"Gallagher..." He warned, knowing that It wouldn’t take long for Ian to say something that either made him want to punch him in the nose or close the distance between them with lips instead of fists.  

 

"We have to talk about this Mickey," Ian said turning to look at Mickey.  

"No, we don’t. We are on limited time, you really want to waste it talking about whatever it is you feel the need to talk to death."  

 

"No...But the other options don't get us anywhere either. You are leaving soon, and I don't know if I'll ever see you again or if I'll hear from you. So...lets start with that." Ian said. He had mulled over Mandy's advice from earlier...He could go with his original plan and let it ride itself out but she was right...any time he had ever gotten anywhere with that man, he had pushed...a little at least. So he couldn’t beg for his declaration of a future right now, but there are things he just had to know.  He needed to know how much time he had and if Mickey disappeared tomorrow if he would ever hear from him again. Afterall what was the use of letting this friends only shit go on if in the end, it would just be a regret of all the things he never got to say to Mickey?  

 

"Fine.Okay...we can talk...But you stay over there...We are not doing that.." Mickey said knowing full well what having a conversation like this could and inevitably would lead to. What Ian and Mickey were was inescapable, there was doubt about that. He could tell him he wasn’t planning on leaving and let it sit at that, but really what good would that do, to admit that he was no longer here for work, he was here for Ian. The only reason he was still sitting in Chicago was Ian.   

 

"If you left today, would I ever see you again?" Ian asked.  

"If it was, whose fault is that?" Mickey asked.  

"Fair enough.  Doesn't mean I don’t need to know Mick. Is that what we are aiming for here? For us to just never see eachother or talk again? Is that the boundries we are settting here?"  

"Tell me since when has boundaries ever stopped you? Or me?" Mickey asked honestly already knowing the answer to it all. Nothing in the entire world, no matter the consequences had ever stopped Ian nor Mickey from ever getting what they wanted out of each other and Mickey supposed that now was no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly working my way through my fics, PROMISE> :P

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, there we go, let me know what you think about this. It is a WIP, like I need anymore right? bahahaha. As always replies are not just appreciated but treasured. 
> 
> (Sings to my music as i skip away) 
> 
> MysticallyGallavich (Tumblr)


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